There is something weird about me. At the least, there is something about me that is "not normal", as people around me, never fail to mention.
I can sense it, rather, feel it, but am as of yet, unable to place it.
For me, its not the hope, but rather, the belief.
For me, its not the knowing, but rather, the understanding.
For me, its not the reason, but rather, the abstract.
And for me, its not the "coitus interruptus", but rather, the one thousand seductions before that.
Twenty six years of having been told that "You ain't normal", I carry a heavy heart. It sort of makes me cring. That I might never be one with the very society and its people I have always put before me.
My parents and my friends know of me as a "rebel". Others know of me as "foolhardy". In their own words, that is. And I have always failed to get it. Does questioning conventional wisdom necessarily make me a rebel? Or is it my questioning of the conventional thought process that makes me a fool? I would like to think its the latter.
Logic and reason. It all starts there I guess. I am an engineer. Or so my degree says. And for the better part of the last 8 years, I have worked with a whole bunch of them. They are indeed a smart bunch, that much I indeed need to give. Logic, objectivity and pragmatism rules their world. And needless to say, they are a very proud group of people. The IITs, the NITs, the top companies, the salaries... A heady mixture indeed. A thick vein of elitism runs through them. And rightly so, I tend to believe. So, is there a problem? A cause for concern? Hmmm... Nothing much, except for the fact that, maybe, logic, objectivity and pragmatism really rules their world.
I'm telling you, I am not an engineer. I never was so, never wanted to be so. The degree was just an aberration, and I like to believe that I would have been better off doing something else. And I would also like to question the very fundamentals of an engineer's thought process.
I'll start with logic. A friend of mine, an engineer of course, recently announced that there is "a certain" logic to everything. And that any problem can be solved logically. I don't doubt his words. But I do doubt he wasn't too brash. For him, logic is "the" way to a solution. For me, its "just one" of the ways to solving a problem and if need arises, totally dispense it off too! And that, I realize, is anathema sorts to the engineer kinds. He then argues, that I would lose objectivity if I don't base my approach with logic. Oh really? How many of you really think logic works in a relationship? Or that you might base your relationship with logic? Think again. And NO. I don't just mean your usual gf/bf stuff, but every interaction you have with people around you.
I'll now come to objectivity. This is the mother lode. The raison d'etre of an engineer. Wikipedia states thus, "[A]n objective account is one which attempts to capture the nature of the object studied in a way that does not depend on any features of the particular subject who studies it. An objective account is, in this sense, impartial, one which could ideally be accepted by any subject, because it does not draw on any assumptions, prejudices, or values of particular subjects." Bingo. There goes out the argument. Because one can never be thoroughly impartial, and because we cannot completely take away assumptions, prejudices or values out of the equation, one can NEVER be objective. More so when you are dealing with the most subjective of things. People. And I really doubt if the engineers can take this lightly.
As for pragmatism, well, a hundred years ago, if you said, you wanted to fly, you weren't pragmatic. My point is made.
And so it bugs me, when people come up to me and say, well dude, you spoke really well, but your argument lacks logic or objectivity or practicality. How am I supposed to explain that I might have had some logic that he/she might not have thought of as logic itself, OR, that I might actually need none of them and still can look at a problem in the fair way he/she might think? How can I explain to an engineer that intangibles might be equally important to the tangibles, OR, like in my perspective, more important than the tangibles? How am I to convince he/she that we ALL lack the ability and the means to decipher the right way or the wrong way and that anything can hold true?
I tend to think of this inability to understand as the "engineer's bane". The result of swapping "a perspective" for "a method". And much to my chagrin its irritating to the point of being annoying.
And so, I ain't normal. And guess what, I feel liberated, being just that. :)
What if...
Posted by
Inka
comments (0)
Some 7/8 months back, one of my closest buddies split with his girlfriend. Things were as stupid as it can be. 3 months later, he wrote her a letter.
Dear ....,
What if, I lay down on the grass by the side?
What if, I see no moon in the sky today?
What if, I just see the stars glittering on the sky?
What if, I start counting them?
What if, I don’t know why I am doing so?
What if, I then close my eyes?
What if, I think about you?
What if, I am not supposed to think about you?
What if, I think about all the things that went wrong?
What if, I think about all the things that went right?
What if, I believe there is no wrong and right?
What if, I believe there is a wrong and a right?
What if, the past haunts us?
What if, we can burn the past?
What if, you don’t care for me anymore?
What if, you cared for me, once?
What if, it was me, who wronged you?
What if, it was because I cared for you?
What if, there is more you know about me than myself?
What if, there is more to me than you know?
What if, you were no angel?
What if, I was no sin?
What if, we soften a bit?
What if, we got along?
What if, I tried everything and failed?
What if, I can try more?
What if, it was never about you?
What if, it was never about me either?
What if, it was all about us?
What if, we try to put things back?
What if, we can put things back?
What if, I understand this is life?
What if, we know this isn’t exactly life?
What if, life is not a movie?
What if, life happens to be a fairytale?
What if, it’s all been said and done?
What if, I run back to you?
What if, I can be someone?
What if, you can make me someone?
What if, you can complete me?
What if, I can complete you?
What if, there are a billion reasons you shouldn’t be with me?
What if, I said I loved you?
What if, You know I love you?
What if, that is reason enough?
What if, I realise happiness is a person?
What if, happiness is you?
What if, you were my moon?
What if... you still are?
Love,
....
On 12/11/2009, they got married. They live in Minnesota now. Im posting the letter with their permission.
I wrote this.
Dear ....,
What if, I lay down on the grass by the side?
What if, I see no moon in the sky today?
What if, I just see the stars glittering on the sky?
What if, I start counting them?
What if, I don’t know why I am doing so?
What if, I then close my eyes?
What if, I think about you?
What if, I am not supposed to think about you?
What if, I think about all the things that went wrong?
What if, I think about all the things that went right?
What if, I believe there is no wrong and right?
What if, I believe there is a wrong and a right?
What if, the past haunts us?
What if, we can burn the past?
What if, you don’t care for me anymore?
What if, you cared for me, once?
What if, it was me, who wronged you?
What if, it was because I cared for you?
What if, there is more you know about me than myself?
What if, there is more to me than you know?
What if, you were no angel?
What if, I was no sin?
What if, we soften a bit?
What if, we got along?
What if, I tried everything and failed?
What if, I can try more?
What if, it was never about you?
What if, it was never about me either?
What if, it was all about us?
What if, we try to put things back?
What if, we can put things back?
What if, I understand this is life?
What if, we know this isn’t exactly life?
What if, life is not a movie?
What if, life happens to be a fairytale?
What if, it’s all been said and done?
What if, I run back to you?
What if, I can be someone?
What if, you can make me someone?
What if, you can complete me?
What if, I can complete you?
What if, there are a billion reasons you shouldn’t be with me?
What if, I said I loved you?
What if, You know I love you?
What if, that is reason enough?
What if, I realise happiness is a person?
What if, happiness is you?
What if, you were my moon?
What if... you still are?
Love,
....
On 12/11/2009, they got married. They live in Minnesota now. Im posting the letter with their permission.
I wrote this.
Darling of the smile...
Posted by
Inka
comments (6)
Another February... another rainy evening... looking out of my window, I can see the earth’s contended smile. Freshness everywhere... the aroma’s unmistakable... a thick, earthy sweetness. Bliss. Pure bliss.
And so I walk... nothing left to do, I say myself. Just walk. A slight drizzle follows me as i hit the road. Far in the distance, dark clouds gather up. A faint rumble hits the ground. Its all set. Picture perfect you might say. I smile.
Its been long. Long since I had smiled for anything from the heart. Somewhere between my learnings and my searchings, I had lost my smile for the winds. How did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen? I had always loved nature. I liked summers... I liked winters... and I loved the rains too... Where did I lose this love? Had I become too big for Mother Nature herself? And maybe that’s why she promptly took my smile away...
I keep walking. The drizzle’s given way to a steady pitter-patter. I didn’t mind one bit. Memories came rushing in. How I loved to jump into puddles... How I loved to climb slippery trees... how I loved to catch squirrels scurrying around... How I was happy.
Dad had always said, it’s always the small things. How very true. It’s exactly these small things that I miss. If only. If only we learnt to appreciate the world beyond our lives. That we live with walls all around has been forgotten. We are afraid to move out. Too afraid to look beyond the obvious. Too arrogant to act beyond courtesy. Too busy to think beyond money. And too dumb to accept the fact that our brains are just to show us how, and NOT what. That’s the heart’s job. We are our own boundaries. We are our own prisons. Condemned to forever wallow in self improvisation and materialism. And we wear masks... Day in and day out. And not one, but many. Way too many. Where is the time for being ourselves, we ask?
I turn the corner, and then I see them. Nothing extraordinary. Just a couple holding hands and walking in the rain and whispering sweet nothings maybe. They look beautiful. Both of them. And as I walk past, I see their faces flushed with laughter and mirth. They live in their own world. Oblivious to the beauty outside. And quite rightly too, for the beauty is within them. Another smile escapes my steely face. And suddenly I know I am happy.
The rain switches back to the drizzle mode as I turn back. I light a cigarette and turn on Andy Mckee’s “Dreamcatcher” on my mobile. As the first guitar strums hit my ears, ripples of pleasure run through me and my hair stand on their feet to applaud. The guy’s a fucking genius. People like him are one in a billion. We make the other part of the billion. And I still remember the question he was asked in an interview, “How hard did you practise for the songs, that you realise, will be spoken about for ages?” His answer is probably the most beautiful I’d ever heard. “Love should never be hard work. Music is my love” Damn!! If only we all understood what he really meant, there would never be pain in this world.
As I enter my hostel, that has been my world for a good part of my last 7 months, I realise how intoxicating the walk was. And yeah, I hope to look beyond my walls now. Beyond my obvious too. So, until the next edition of my wanderings and blabberings, Sayonara!
But wait! I forgot to tell you something. The princess. I miss her. I miss the “darling of the smile”. I do. I really do.
And so I walk... nothing left to do, I say myself. Just walk. A slight drizzle follows me as i hit the road. Far in the distance, dark clouds gather up. A faint rumble hits the ground. Its all set. Picture perfect you might say. I smile.
Its been long. Long since I had smiled for anything from the heart. Somewhere between my learnings and my searchings, I had lost my smile for the winds. How did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen? I had always loved nature. I liked summers... I liked winters... and I loved the rains too... Where did I lose this love? Had I become too big for Mother Nature herself? And maybe that’s why she promptly took my smile away...
I keep walking. The drizzle’s given way to a steady pitter-patter. I didn’t mind one bit. Memories came rushing in. How I loved to jump into puddles... How I loved to climb slippery trees... how I loved to catch squirrels scurrying around... How I was happy.
Dad had always said, it’s always the small things. How very true. It’s exactly these small things that I miss. If only. If only we learnt to appreciate the world beyond our lives. That we live with walls all around has been forgotten. We are afraid to move out. Too afraid to look beyond the obvious. Too arrogant to act beyond courtesy. Too busy to think beyond money. And too dumb to accept the fact that our brains are just to show us how, and NOT what. That’s the heart’s job. We are our own boundaries. We are our own prisons. Condemned to forever wallow in self improvisation and materialism. And we wear masks... Day in and day out. And not one, but many. Way too many. Where is the time for being ourselves, we ask?
I turn the corner, and then I see them. Nothing extraordinary. Just a couple holding hands and walking in the rain and whispering sweet nothings maybe. They look beautiful. Both of them. And as I walk past, I see their faces flushed with laughter and mirth. They live in their own world. Oblivious to the beauty outside. And quite rightly too, for the beauty is within them. Another smile escapes my steely face. And suddenly I know I am happy.
The rain switches back to the drizzle mode as I turn back. I light a cigarette and turn on Andy Mckee’s “Dreamcatcher” on my mobile. As the first guitar strums hit my ears, ripples of pleasure run through me and my hair stand on their feet to applaud. The guy’s a fucking genius. People like him are one in a billion. We make the other part of the billion. And I still remember the question he was asked in an interview, “How hard did you practise for the songs, that you realise, will be spoken about for ages?” His answer is probably the most beautiful I’d ever heard. “Love should never be hard work. Music is my love” Damn!! If only we all understood what he really meant, there would never be pain in this world.
As I enter my hostel, that has been my world for a good part of my last 7 months, I realise how intoxicating the walk was. And yeah, I hope to look beyond my walls now. Beyond my obvious too. So, until the next edition of my wanderings and blabberings, Sayonara!
But wait! I forgot to tell you something. The princess. I miss her. I miss the “darling of the smile”. I do. I really do.
On why COLDPLAY means what to me...
Posted by
Inka
comments (0)
So, people know me as a COLDPLAY fanatic. I do not beg to disagree. Genius can never be less appreciated. And so, I once again state my endearing love and fascination for this band. Like mine, they rock millions of other souls from all corners of the world.
I still remember... My BA flight from Manchester to Frankfurt had just leveled off after takeoff... I removed my seat belt, asked for a drink and plugged in my earphones to catch the radio. Scrolling through the channels, I came across Nickleback, Incubus, Linkin Park and there... right there at the bottom was COLDPLAY. They had this new album with a weird name, X & Y. Hmm... Whats that? "Speed of sound" it was, and by the time the song ended, I was in a state of pure bliss. I immediately knew COLDPLAY were different. Different not in the way you find so many wonderful women, but different in the way you find that particular woman and say, "I'am gonna spend the rest of my life with you"
Music, they say is nothing but emotion. An enchanting hyperbole of your deepest thoughts and fervent passions. And in a way, I believe, just like you can judge a person by the company he keeps, you can judge a soul by the music it listens to.
Many a band have grazed our minds. Some have stayed a tad longer. And fewer still hold our heart. But rarely, so very rarely, has a band been so very much to so very many. There are still a clutch of great bands out there in the alternative scene. While Nickleback may be down and out, Incubus is still out there rocking. And the Fray is setting stages alight just as I am penning this down. But COLDPLAY... they rock on a parallel universe altogether.
I do not believe in awards. They are nothing but a certification of sales records. That they have won so many "Grammy's" and a truckload of other shit is but a mere consequence, by their own admission, of their attempt to be "a band performing not under lights, but inside the hearts of people, everyday..." Ah, spare some thought to this...
Good music does not make a song great. For that matter, neither does great music. Music is just the physical presence of the spirit within. The lyrics. It matters for me. It really does. You just have to look at their second single "Yellow" to understand. The song flows like a serene stream. Words fight words to grab our hearts. And that makes a song not good or great... but beautiful.
"Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do... "
"I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do"
"Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry"
What more can a guy say to the girl he loves? What more does a girl need? And if a girl still does not fall for the guy, she should be politely asked to go for a sex determination test! Oops! Sorry people... pardon me.. I take my words back... You need not be polite. Yeah.. You heard it right. You need NOT be polite!
That they had the courage to not just stick to love and go beyond is a proclamation of their genius. You just have to listen to "fix you", "lost", "Viva la vida", and dozens more to appreciate the depth of their understanding of our passions. Thats why Oprah Winfrey stated that their song "the scientist" is a ballad! And thats why, after endless comparisons, when the legendary U2 were asked about Coldplay, they humbly said, "We make songs, they make hopes".
The tone of the band's first studio album, "Parachutes", was defined as melodic pop with "distorted guitar riffs and swishing percussion". It was also described as being "exquisitely dark and artistically abrasive". In a review for "A Rush of Blood to the Head", the songs were considered to contain "lush melodies and a heartbreak" and that they had a "newfound confidence." The music on "X&Y" has been considered to be "ruminations on one's doubts, fears, hopes, and loves.
Once again, one just simply has to look at the comments section of Coldplay's song "Lost" to know how far they carry people. One girl commented, "I feel so good watching this vid.... I love me some Coldplay!!! Yeah, Im not the typical fan I'm sure.. I'm a ghetto ass chick from Arizona... But listening to and watching Coldplay makes me feel o so cultured..Ha! I love how he dances, the guy who beats that drum is a beast and the guitarist is amazing!!! I hope I get to witness them in concert one day... Coldplay 4 Eva-----I said it so u kno its true!!!!!!!!"
And then there is this chap, " I' am from africa and this song makes me feel so cared for... Its an incantation... no less... "
And the girl's comment had a deep sense to it. Coldplay, like other geniuses, are not content with us simply appreciating. They want us to step up. I personally can no more stand the mediocracy being trashed about by the Britney Spears's and Jennifer Lopez's of the world. I have been shown the sun and the stars... why should i settle for a grain of sand??
For years, their songs have been my recluse. I fall, I listen to them. I win, I listen to them. I survive and so I listen to them. Thats COLDPLAY for me.
I still remember... My BA flight from Manchester to Frankfurt had just leveled off after takeoff... I removed my seat belt, asked for a drink and plugged in my earphones to catch the radio. Scrolling through the channels, I came across Nickleback, Incubus, Linkin Park and there... right there at the bottom was COLDPLAY. They had this new album with a weird name, X & Y. Hmm... Whats that? "Speed of sound" it was, and by the time the song ended, I was in a state of pure bliss. I immediately knew COLDPLAY were different. Different not in the way you find so many wonderful women, but different in the way you find that particular woman and say, "I'am gonna spend the rest of my life with you"
Music, they say is nothing but emotion. An enchanting hyperbole of your deepest thoughts and fervent passions. And in a way, I believe, just like you can judge a person by the company he keeps, you can judge a soul by the music it listens to.
Many a band have grazed our minds. Some have stayed a tad longer. And fewer still hold our heart. But rarely, so very rarely, has a band been so very much to so very many. There are still a clutch of great bands out there in the alternative scene. While Nickleback may be down and out, Incubus is still out there rocking. And the Fray is setting stages alight just as I am penning this down. But COLDPLAY... they rock on a parallel universe altogether.
I do not believe in awards. They are nothing but a certification of sales records. That they have won so many "Grammy's" and a truckload of other shit is but a mere consequence, by their own admission, of their attempt to be "a band performing not under lights, but inside the hearts of people, everyday..." Ah, spare some thought to this...
Good music does not make a song great. For that matter, neither does great music. Music is just the physical presence of the spirit within. The lyrics. It matters for me. It really does. You just have to look at their second single "Yellow" to understand. The song flows like a serene stream. Words fight words to grab our hearts. And that makes a song not good or great... but beautiful.
"Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do... "
"I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do"
"Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry"
What more can a guy say to the girl he loves? What more does a girl need? And if a girl still does not fall for the guy, she should be politely asked to go for a sex determination test! Oops! Sorry people... pardon me.. I take my words back... You need not be polite. Yeah.. You heard it right. You need NOT be polite!
That they had the courage to not just stick to love and go beyond is a proclamation of their genius. You just have to listen to "fix you", "lost", "Viva la vida", and dozens more to appreciate the depth of their understanding of our passions. Thats why Oprah Winfrey stated that their song "the scientist" is a ballad! And thats why, after endless comparisons, when the legendary U2 were asked about Coldplay, they humbly said, "We make songs, they make hopes".
The tone of the band's first studio album, "Parachutes", was defined as melodic pop with "distorted guitar riffs and swishing percussion". It was also described as being "exquisitely dark and artistically abrasive". In a review for "A Rush of Blood to the Head", the songs were considered to contain "lush melodies and a heartbreak" and that they had a "newfound confidence." The music on "X&Y" has been considered to be "ruminations on one's doubts, fears, hopes, and loves.
Once again, one just simply has to look at the comments section of Coldplay's song "Lost" to know how far they carry people. One girl commented, "I feel so good watching this vid.... I love me some Coldplay!!! Yeah, Im not the typical fan I'm sure.. I'm a ghetto ass chick from Arizona... But listening to and watching Coldplay makes me feel o so cultured..Ha! I love how he dances, the guy who beats that drum is a beast and the guitarist is amazing!!! I hope I get to witness them in concert one day... Coldplay 4 Eva-----I said it so u kno its true!!!!!!!!"
And then there is this chap, " I' am from africa and this song makes me feel so cared for... Its an incantation... no less... "
And the girl's comment had a deep sense to it. Coldplay, like other geniuses, are not content with us simply appreciating. They want us to step up. I personally can no more stand the mediocracy being trashed about by the Britney Spears's and Jennifer Lopez's of the world. I have been shown the sun and the stars... why should i settle for a grain of sand??
For years, their songs have been my recluse. I fall, I listen to them. I win, I listen to them. I survive and so I listen to them. Thats COLDPLAY for me.
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